by Clark Kent, staff reporter (a.k.a. Dana Ullman, MPH)



(Metropolis) After numerous unsuccessful attempts to cure Superman’s kryptonite allergy by orthodox medical treatments, Superman’s potentially fatal sensitivity to kryptonite was finally cured by a practitioner at the Metropolis Integrative Health Center.

Beaming with super-health, the superhero noted that getting cured was not an easy task. “I had to try many different healing methods and numerous healers before I found the right one for me.”

Superman was first attracted to the integrative health center because one of the practitioners was a mega-vitamin therapy expert. “I figured that I needed super-vitamins for my super bod,” Superman noted in a matter of fact manner.

This treatment might have worked; however, the superhero could not follow the instructions of the therapist. Superman bashfully said, “It was just too difficult to take the vitamins regularly. I just felt too embarrassed flying around with 18 vitamin bottled stuffed in my little red pants.”

Superman then tried acupuncture which also ended in failure. The acupuncturist had to apologize for not being strong enough to put needles through the man of steel’s skin.

The rolfer didn’t help Superman either and was, in fact, lucky that Superman could quickly fly him to the hospital for repair of the rolfer’s fractured wrists and elbows from trying to rolf the supermuscle Superman.

The biofeedback therapist was able to teach Superman how to lower his blood pressure and how to raise voluntarily the temperature in his hand, but because Superman’s second half is as “a mild manner reporter of a great metropolitan newspaper,” he didn’t have high blood pressure. And sadly enough, learning to warm his hands only taught him how to warm his hands. It didn’t affect his allergy to kryptonite.

The movement therapist was able to teach Superman to run and fly with more grace, and the aerobics teacher was able to teach him to run faster, but these teachings only taught him how to run and fly gracefully and speedily away from kryptonite…not curing the underlying allergy.

Then, during a deep breathing exercise with the Reichian therapist, Superman blew the roof off the health center, thus leading him to leave the center with a great sense of guilt…and a still problematic allergy to kryptonite.

Finally…WonderWoman came to rescue!

The liberated superhero told Superman that many of her friends got excellent care at the integrative health center. She told Superman that, “They cured Spiderman’s drooling, cleared up the Invisible Man’s skin complexion, and even finally deepened Mighty Mouse’s squeaky voice.” She also noted that Darth Vader still has his mumbling problem, but he needs deep Freudian analysis.

These superheroes, WonderWoman asserted, all went to the homeopath, who ultimately gave Superman a highly dilute dose of kryptonite, thus curing his serious kryptonite allergy and allowing him to star in yet another amazing adventure of Superman.